Mom's emotional roller coaster is bad. Having her friends come everyday is bad.
I think it's time to say, "Mom, staying in the house isn't working. What kind of place do you want to go to?" and then give her a few choices: near daily Mass, no cooking needed, volunteer available.
I'm willing to go on Saturday and say this. Jim is working on his schedule to see if he can come. If not, I'll need some unemotional, firm supporters.
We can't argue or try to reason. It's not going to be fun folks, but I really think it's necessary now.
What do you think?
-Lel
Outsprinkles
These are the people whose love and support get us through each day and who we owe so much. They also helped a little producing......
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8 comments:
One question is whether or not Mom knows that she is on an emotional/functional roller-coaster. If she does then she may be amenable to at least talking. Or she might say that her emotions are grief-driven and that they will improve.
If she doesn't recognize it because each day is a blank slate, then you may have to tie her up, drag her somewhere and lock her in. Because the one thing she is sure of now is that she isn't ready to move.
It kills me to see her now as defensive, paranoid and isolated. And it would kill me twice to see it get worse if she decides (and believes) that we are all against her. So be careful how the message is delivered.
From a legal standpoint, has anyone talked to BGT (or anywhere else) about what is required to take in a person who says they don't want to be there? Should we be further investigating the "petition for guardianship?"
Here is another thought, albeit from left-field:
Let's rent the room from BGT, decorate it with pictures and other emotional touch points and just take Mom there. Tell he it is just for the daytime, we'll bring her home at night, take her places, etc. And then let's do just that - visit her often, do things with her and take her home.
Perhaps within a short period of time she will tell us to leave her there.
Any gamblers?
The one thing that all of the places told us was that you can't lie to the parent and tell them that they can leave. Sure there have been people before who have not wanted to come in. They all get used to it. Happy or not. (I'm sure we all want her to be happy once she is settled in) In all the times that I visted different ALFs, there were no people screaming in the halls to "let them out".
I don't know whether or not you can be a "day border" but I can't imagine that mom would go for that...paying for a room there and keeping the home expenses.
As for telling her that she needs to move, I really think that the only people that she would listen to are Danny, Leland and Jim. Perhaps have her siblings as backups.
Whatever you do, don't let Quinn be there! Mom will never forgive Megan(she blames her for And she's still mad at me and Uncle Jim for taking her there in the first place.
You are welcome to stay at my place for a cute child emotional boost before you go and when you come home ;-). Should I call BGT to see what is available?
To answer Stuart's first question, you can't force someone to go and the ALFs would not be likely to take someone that is kicking and screaming that they are being forced into moving there. Now, admission to an Alzheimer unit would be a different story. I think we all agree that mom is not ready to be committed to an Alzheimer unit yet. I don't know anything about a petition for guardianship. As far as your left-field thought goes... let's just leave it there. I think that would open a messy can of worms. She can't be under the impression that she go one day, then not the next, etc. I think it would also be almost impossible for us to keep up with taking her back and forth and making frequent visits. Respite care might be a viable option. She could go knowing that if it really is not the right fit for her, after 60 days, she could pick another place or as a last resort, let her know she could go home. She could come and go to appts. or out with visitors, but would definitely be staying there full-time. I really think if we could get her to do that she would opt to stay.
Pray hard and go gently.
p.s. BTW tonight was a lovely night. She seemed strong and fairly clear. We started to clean out Dad's closet :`{ She would like to have the guys over one Sunday to come pick out anything they could use. We talked about doing a cookout and she liked the idea. It's a move in the right direction. that's it for now. G'night
Does BGT actually have a respite care option, that is, a short stay without permanent commitment?
If I recall correctly, BGT does have a respite care option but I think thebest option is still convincing her that going in permanently is the best option. She is highly intelligent and won't be "eased" into it unless she wants to be.
I reckon it is good to keep pressing her to make a choice of a place while she still has the mental facilities to do it for herself. Also, she should be encouraged to move in while she still has her facilities to get used to the place, enjoy it, do volunteer work there, etc,
Remember that the extra stress she has is likely to be making her confusion worse. The stress is not just from Dad's passing and the responsibility for having to care for herself(!) but also the pressure we are giving her about moving. We are quite certain that this is the best thing for her but she would not feel the same way. To her, it is unfair and un-needed pressure. We have to change that perception. She has to know that she would be better off (happier, less confused, etc.) in ALF.
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