1. I remembered she had talked about the cost. Jim's dad said he was surprised that insurance covered a lot. So the balance was just like transferreing house utitlities to AL costs. Her response was: oh, I never thought of that.
2. I told her I was surprised to find out that Brighton Gardens had an option where you could try it out for 30 days without making a big commitment. Because that's a big decision to make without being sure you would like it. She said, "where's that again?" When I elaborated on the "next to the Mother House" aspect she dismissed it because of Aunt Melmarie. But she wasn't vehement about that part - I think we could eventually get past that.
We talked some more and I told her Jim's dad was surprised that he felt more independent, secure, etc.. it was about a 20 minute talk. I'm encouraged that she brought it up.
Let's let her friends and extended family be the bad guys and hound her about this. We'll be "on her side" by having these quiet conversations that address her fears. I think we 'll have the most success if we remember a few things (sorry for always using bullet points, it's the way I think all day!):
- no point in giving long explanations she doesn't want to hear or doesn't understand
- forget about logic, she's beyond that
- forget about the excuse "you won't have to take care of the house". she likes and does a good job of taking care of the house.
I felt like she doesn't want to show any "chink in the armor" about her decision to stay in place. When the next opportunity presents itself, I think it would be effective to offer her something: I will promise complete confidence - that I won't tell anyone, but if she wants to go see some place I will be happy to take her. If any of you get that chance, please jump on it.
Stuart told me yesterday that we should get prepared for this to take years. We all know that it can't take years - the stress level and demands on our families' resources would take a toll that neither Mom or Dad would want. Let's keep up the soft sell, the finesse. We're making progress already.
By the end of the summer, we can guage the progress and make decisions then about hiring live-in or daily help or other options.
I really had a great day at Mom's yesterday. My favorite part was that she took Aidan for a walk. They walked around the track, went to the playground and sat on a bench for a rest. Aidan told Mom a story and she told Aidan a story. When I asked Aidan later what story she told he said,"the story about the worm and the book. It's D-dad's story. He used to tell it to me all the time." Mom's carrying on.
Levelle, you'll have to have some more children because those little ones often save the day for me!
-Lel, JF, FA
5 comments:
The kids may save the day for you, but what about me...?!?
At Mom's now, trying to figure out how to get some work done. I'm gonna get fired. Melanie's talking to Mom at the moment. We showed up for mass at 6:00am as directed. Mom was a little surpised because mass was only at 9:00am. So we went for breakfast at Towson Diner and visited Dad at St. Mary's before catching up with Stuart at IC. As we passed Brighton Gardens, Mom mentioned the place and how good it was, except for the neighbors. Can someone please figure out how easy it is to get a restraining order? We chatted a bit about how not all places were so sterile as she thought and how nice Grandmom's was (Mom's words). She just thinks that Stella Maris is too overbuilt now to move into there. I didn't push hard but Stuart also just suggested we drop into BG the next time we go past. I'm going back up stairs now. More later...
A couple of other bullet-points of my own to add:
* I told Mom that she has insurance to cover the ALF because she and Dad were very smart to get that kind of coverage rather than paying large amounts for life policies
* She was pretty interested in the opportunity at ALF to help other people, by reading to them or walking them, etc., and in turn being able to use them to fill needs.
* We talked for a while about what she would have wanted for Dad if she had gone first, including how she would have wanted us to take care of him.
The conversation was very nice and she got stronger, more clear, more open to other points of view, and more nuanced as time went on.
Think I should call Aunt Melmarie and ask her to move?
Today I learned how to set Mom off - she was having an ok time, but mentioned her lack of independence and how she couldn't do anything. I said BS. Told her she could do whatever she wanted, she just needed a different way to get there. I may have been right but it didn't matter - she was off on a "bad day" and I couldn't do or say anything to get her back.
So I dumped her on Michael and Melanie.
yep. that about sums it up. I guess I should never mention taxis when she is already upset too. They are fine on a good day but too dirty on a bad day.
BTW, don't go telling Mom the difference between Grand-dad Gentry and Dad. Just note that they become one person on a bad day.
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